I found a mystery envelope in the mail today, and inside was a card and two little travelers just chillin’ out, taped to some paper that I’m not going to show you because that was FOR MY EYES ONLY. As I hid the package in my coat, turned to see whether I’d been followed, and bolted up the apartment stairs, I realized one thing:

This package had

lit up my night.

(It is perfect, do you see it? Can you handle it with mortal eyes?)

(My feelings are like Proto Man, sneaking up so unexpectedly. Wearing such great shades and a scarf. Smelling you with his artificial smell processors. I mean, good, you know? Great. Who doesn’t look at Proto Man and think “Oh, what a GOOD looking robot. What GREAT shades, and what a HANDSOME attitude.” Chumps, I guess. But who even cares what a chump thinks about a thing you’ve just gotten? No one. Certainly not Proto Man. His motto is:

“I live as I wish. That is all. My life is none of your business.”

I mean, that’s sassy.

That’s all you even need to know, really.

Oh my God, this Valentime!)